chosen chaos

Every so often I talk about my fit­ness abil­i­ties or lack thereof.  I ride the same roller coast­ers that we all do (at least I tell myself that we all do.)  And always kick myself when I for­get how closely tied the phys­i­cal is to the emo­tional for me.

Over­all I’ve been on a pretty good run so far this year.  I trained for one, accom­plished another, and am train­ing for one I have no inten­tion of step­ping up to the line for.

I’ve dis­cov­ered I am a morn­ing worker-​​outer.  Remem­ber when I told you about being a morn­ing mon­ster?  Well, unfor­tu­nately, she only comes out to yell when I haven’t worked out.  And know­ing this makes it eas­ier (some days) to get up and out of the house (and back) before any­one else stretches the sleepies away.  It’s not ideal but it’s work­ing.  For the most part.  For now!  And hon­estly, when I’m round­ing for home, I feel amaz­ing.  I feel like I can do any­thing that comes my way that day.  Yes, of course I hit snooze and spend three min­utes fig­ur­ing out when else I could do this today and how soon do I get to back to sleep.… But that feel­ing of get­ting home and being done… makes me proud of myself.

Last week… I didn’t do any of them.  Not a one.  I gave in and I’ve been here before.

Last week I was at the I don’t want to do this any­more again.  It usu­ally starts with an overly enjoyed week­end that takes three days and at least two missed work­outs to get over.  Then the guilt cycle of miss­ing work­outs sets in and blah blah blah.  I was hon­estly feel­ing guilty to report my (lack of) days to my adopt-​​a-​​pantry team.  And oops, then it was the week­end again.  The last time I reached the over-​​trained part of my self was once upon two babies ago.  I ran three 1/​2 marathons in less than a year.  The last of the three was awful.  I was so done with it.  The train­ing, the doing, all of it.  I had lit­er­ally run myself into a hole.  So I just stopped.  Not all in one day.  But even­tu­ally the miles lagged, the moti­va­tion dragged, and then I heard “it’s twins!”  And if that’s not enough to knock you off the coaster you are a stronger she than me.

I’m telling you all this because this time it’s going to be dif­fer­ent.  This time I’m going to be smart about what hap­pens next.  With a new month I set new goals, made a new plan, and used a sharpie to redo my train­ing plan for the run I’m not doing.  Now it fits my plan, still a chal­lenge but my chal­lenge.  I’m focus­ing on that morn­ing feel­ing.  I’m focus­ing on days, not miles and on try­ing new things to keep me here.  I’m excited about it.  I’m pleased that I can be here and learn from there.  This is where I’ve been try­ing to get!  At least, that is, until I get to the next place!

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