Today’s guest of honor is a gem. Kimberly, lovingly known as Sperk, is a blogger that loves education, knowledge, and sharing wisdom. She is on a journey of motherhood and a journey of healing and she shares all aspects of that journey with her readers. Using her words to work it out. She believes strongly in the power of a story so that others can learn from it. What I am drawn to the most about Kimberly is her love for her daughters. Her two TEENAGE daughters! She is so present in their lives and working to make them into strong and confident young women. We need more women like that in this world.
Kimberly, if you had the opportunity to sit down with your 18-year-old self what would you say to her?
Put down that beer right now. It has caused you enough grief already and I am sure that if you stop drinking now, it will save you a lot of grief in the future. You do not need it. It just makes you seem silly and makes you a target for abuse.
Now, call your mom back and tell her you will be changing your major even though she thinks you won’t be able to succeed at anything else. Dancing is her dream, not yours. You want to be seen AND heard.
Unfortunately, your life has been based on how you appear to others and it has made you very insecure. You will never measure up to the incredible standards you have created for yourself. So, just do it. Change your major from dance to psychology.
Here comes the difficult part.
You are not crazy.
You are right.
The drinking, the eating disorder and the incredibly low self-esteem are connected. I know you have been searching with all of your might, trying to find the missing piece, trying to get it to make sense. I know you do not want to drink and you do not want to count potato chips. You want to walk into a room and confidently say, “Hello.”
The missing piece is a lost memory. You suppressed it because it was too much for your developing brain to handle. I am not sure your brain can handle it now, but I do know you’ll waste less time if you know—now.
If you need to leave school, do it.
If you need to stop talking to your mom and sister, do it.
If you need to join the Peace Corps, do it.
Whatever it takes to begin your journey of healing, do it now.
All else will take care of itself.
No need to worry about getting too old to dance. You won’t be a famous dancer. Dance for fun.
If you want to be famous, head towards that little room in the basement of the university next to the sports equipment storage—the computer lab. That’s where the money is. And yes, you are smart enough to do it.
Work on your voice. Write. Laugh. Go for a walk and write some more.
No, I’m not kidding.
That journal writing you have been doing is good stuff. It really, really is. And don’t throw away any of them. You’ll want all of your writing, even the stuff you wrote when you were eight years old.
People will hear you.
You will be heard.
It will get very lonely sometimes. But it will pass. It all does. Everything does. Darkness turns to light, sadness to joy and vice-versa.
Yes, there will be darkness.
When it is especially difficult, look in the mirror and say, “I love you.”
Look at me, right now, saying, “It wasn’t your fault.”
You will get through this.
You have survived the worst of it.
There will be light.
And I will be here, with you, always.
Thank you Kimberly. Thank you. Please check out Sperk, like her on Facebook and follow her on Twitter. I guarantee you’ll learn something new from the next story she has to tell.
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jnwalker1222
12 Responses to if i could turn back time — sperk
Sperk*
Replied on: July 22, 2012, 8:00 PM
Jamie,
Your intro was gracious and kind, thank you. Writing this was an extraordinary experience for me and I am grateful. Hope you enjoyed your weekend…it certainly has been beautiful!
Jamie
Replied on: July 22, 2012, 8:46 PM
I loved this. Loved. Thank you for sharing it here!
thedoseofreality
Replied on: July 21, 2012, 10:58 PM
Amazing piece of writing. You may not have been able to know all of that at 18, but I have no doubt that your courage and bravery and honesty will help someone else. Thank you for sharing your story.
Sperk*
Replied on: July 22, 2012, 7:53 PM
Ashley, thank you for reminding me that others can benefit from sharing my story. When I get wrapped up in my own stuff, it’s an easy thing to forget.
Mirjam
Replied on: July 21, 2012, 4:26 AM
So raw, open and honest.
I am speechless and teary..
Sperk*
Replied on: July 22, 2012, 7:56 PM
I appreciate you letting me know, Mirjam. Thank you.
Kristen
Replied on: July 20, 2012, 6:12 PM
This is so honest and pulled at my heart. I wanted to go back to your 18 year old self and tell you that even through all of that…you are going to turn out to be one amazing woman and mother!
Sperk*
Replied on: July 22, 2012, 7:54 PM
It is sometimes difficult to take in the kind of kindness you have shown in your comment. I’m just going to sit here with it a minute. Thank you.
Kim @The G is Silent
Replied on: July 20, 2012, 10:49 AM
So amazing. So beautiful. So Kimberly. And her advice to herself can apply to so many. Oh Kimberly, you amaze me.
Sperk*
Replied on: July 20, 2012, 12:30 PM
Thanks, Kim! Enjoyed your letter to your 18 year old self from a few weeks ago. Your use of candor was brave and not heavy handed with issues that could be overly dramatic. It’s a great, great piece!
Michelle Longo
Replied on: July 20, 2012, 8:56 AM
Magnificent. Truly.
Sperk*
Replied on: July 20, 2012, 12:33 PM
Thanks, Michelle. I never tire of your words of support.