If you’ve been following my chaos for a while then you will possibly recall the previous two beyond chaotic moments in my life. First there was this particular poop incident. Then there was this particular pee incident.
Both of which ironically took place when Babe was in some far away land. Far away.
When Babe is gone I try to fill our days with something. Anything. The hope is that we spend a little less time sitting around at home and a lot more time tiring ourselves out for bedtime.
One of my favorite friends also happens to spend a fair amount of time playing the Daddy’s-on-a-work-trip game. We try to combine and conquer whenever possible. Her boy and my boys have the grandest time together so it makes life awesome. Today was no exception. We met for some park time. Holy heat it was all of a sudden h-o-t and sunny today! We spent close to an hour there and when the whining started we headed for some grub. Bdubs had just what the doctor ordered… chocolate milk and tall Summer Shandy’s. Yes please and thank you.
Headed home and I knew we’d need at the minimum a rinse off before bed. So we scurried in and went straight upstairs. I turned on the water and ordered everyone to get ready. The girls were with me. I only intended on plopping them in the bath, water running, rinse them off, and done. Princess B over and out, Princess A over and out. Time for the boys. I was letting Princess B wander about in her birthday suit while I got Princess A quickly diapered.
Scratch the record here because I should have known better.
Princess A is on the changing table. Biggest is on the potty. Middle is doing whoknowswhat other than not listening to me in his room. Princess B is running from hallway to room to room.
Middle-Man: uh Mooom there is something so gross and brown and gray in the hallway. I am not coming out there.
Me: What is it Middle? Please get in the tub.
Middle-Man: (whining naturally) Mooooommmm no what is this
it dawns on me that I should probably check. Middle is not easily grossed out by things. Princess B is diaper-less. Shit.
Sure enough, it’s poop. And lucky for all of us, I turned the corner quick enough to intercept Middle getting closer than normal to inspect.
Me: MIDDLE, stop! Just walk around it and go in the bathroom and wait.
Looking for Princess B… she wasn’t finished. Now in the boys room is some more “gross and brown and gray” stuff. Pick her up mid-youknowwhat and plop her in the tub. What damage can she do in the tub? Right?
Any of you notice that I’ve left Princess A on top of the changing table? No? Well I did. I’m sure my Mom-of-the-year award will be in my mailbox this week.
I scurry to Princess A, she is perched with her big doe eyes — certainly enjoying this chaos. I instruct Middle to sit *here* and DON’T MOVE PLEASE. Yes Mom. While quickly, very quickly, dressing A I check in on Biggest. Still not done.
Scoop up Princess A, into a crib, eye-contact with Middle please stay here just a few more minutes you’re being very patient. Thank you.
Pick up the mess. Wonder what I’ll do to clean it? Thanking the beer-in-my-fridge that it was solid and required nothing more than a Clorox wipe to scoop. Spray it with Lysol. That’ll do it. Yes? No?
Me: Biggest, seriously you are going to hurt something if you don’t get off that toilet.
Biggest: No not done yet Mom. (gagging noise) oooooo yuck… Mom she’s not done either (more gagging)
Me: is she going more?
Scoop her up, she has thankfully finished now, grab a towel and get a diaper on her. Princess B joins Princess A in the same crib. I direct the boys to my shower for their quick rinse off.
Biggest proudly informs me “all done Mom and I got all of mine in the toilet!”
Before we make it to the shower, I’m throwing ‘infected’ toys into a trash bag and I hear the scream.
The bitten scream.
With a quick glance over my shoulder, sure enough.… Princess A has Princess B cornered in the crib. Princess B in only her diaper has a defenseless back that Princess A’s bottom molars could apparently not resist.
Gazelle my way to B, firmly say No Bite with a pointing finger to A. This immediately begins the “you hurt my feelings cry” from her. It’s pitiful but I don’t have time right now. Throw in an extra no bite for effect. Comfort Princess B. Confidently put her diapered butt on the floor to clean the boys.
Boys cleaned, Princess B pj’ed, Princess A buttered back up. All is good.
Seriously, I couldn’t make this stuff up. Is there a moral to this story? I’m too tired to think of it.