He came to me after losing my first pregnancy in a miscarriage (blighted ovum, it happens, it was heartbreaking, the world kept turning) Even then he was using his super-hero power to rescue me. Before I even knew who “he” was I wanted him to be a him. I always wanted a boy first. I never had a big brother and thought that they must make all the world a better place to be when you’re the little sister.
At about 5 months old I gave him to his Daddy so he was never really MY super-hero. No one knows how he went from being called Joe to Joe Joe except for me… when he was smaller than small he would call out from his crib “Mama, Dada” and we would be laying in the cruise ship soaking up the sound of his sweet voice and I started to call back to him “Joe Joe” just to hear what he would say. There would be a small pause of silence as if he was trying to decide if we were really talking to him and why in the world we weren’t just coming to get him. And then he’d say it again “Mama Dada,” and we’d reply again “Joe Joe.” It went on a couple of times and then I could hear his mattress sounding his bounce. The excitement. His thoughts of it is them, they are there, come get me, come get me, come get me, come love me. And oh we did. He was our start and finish, each and every day.
So back to the 5 months and becoming Daddy’s… He was never, ever a Mama’s boy. Always, always a Daddy’s boy. Doesn’t mean I loved him less, just meant I got my place. I kissed boo-boos but I didn’t really fix them for him. Fast forward to almost 5 YEARS old. (Seriously. How did THAT happen?) And that tiny boy is so far gone from me I can’t stand it. He wants me. I want him. But neither of us knows how to do it. He is well aware of my imperfections and I am often too quick to remind him of his. We lose our tempers with one another. He has so many of my personality traits. He loves to organize, he thrives on knowing the schedule for the day, the week, the month, and he is a pleaser to the max. He is the one I think of first and last each day. My love for him still takes me by surprise sometimes… at his first swim lesson I was terrified and the thought of putting his 4-foot-self on a school bus in August causes me to lose my breath. Being him is hard in our house. We rely on him to be the big brother, the big kid, and all the while expect him to understand words like responsibility, effort, and attention. I mean every 4 year old has those words as part of their vocabulary, right?!?
The other night I came home after the children were nestled all snug in their beds. Overall we had had a good day together but right in the middle of it there was about 45 minutes of complete h-e-double-hockey-sticks. For whatever reason this particular version really got to me and I needed a break. I waved my white flag and headed out for some good conversation with friends. When I came home his cape was laying at the bottom of the stairs. One of those unintentional slaps in the face ordering me to wake-up and remember that even super-heroes need a Mommy. It reminded me that he still has his rescuing ways about him. Whether it’s entertaining his twin sisters, engaging his brother’s imagination, squeezing his Daddy’s neck, or asking for another kiss goodnight from me… he rescues us. It reminded me that he’s here and he’s little and he’s trying to be as big as I think he is capable of being.
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4 Responses to start at the very beginning
Jamie
Replied on: August 29, 2011, 8:33 PM
@BlogToHeal
Thank you for the kind words. I can’t begin to imagine your loss and I’m so glad you too have a super-hero among you.
BlogToHeal
Replied on: August 29, 2011, 8:29 PM
“He rescues us“
Oh how this touched me. *tear*
After losing my second child to heart defects; my first son rescues me every day. He is why I get up in the morning. What an amazing and touching post.
love it
Replied on: June 14, 2011, 8:41 PM
How perfectly fitting that you chose to begin your blog with a beautiful post about Joe Joe. I love it all…especially:
He is the one I think of first and last each day
One of those unintentional slaps in the face ordering me to wake-up and remember that even super-heroes need a Mommy.
blighted ovum, it happens, it was heartbreaking, the world kept turning) Even then he was using his super-hero power to rescue me.
Well done, my friend.
Anonymous
Replied on: June 14, 2011, 2:36 PM
Love love love xoxo m